UNC Humor

 

Thanks for visiting my "UNC Humor and Slam Page". Check back periodically for new entries. If you have any jokes, cartoons or less than flattering articles about Duke's most hated rival, please forward them to:  commissioner@triadfantasysports.org. Those we deem worthy will be posted. We do ask that you keep them clean. I hope you have as much fun reading this page and I did putting it together.

 

 
A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only had a year to live. After receiving the bad news, he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked the Pastor if there was anything he could do to ease the burden of the situation. “What you should do is go out and buy a used Chevrolet pickup truck. Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old mobile home in Chapel Hill. Then, purchase season tickets for Carolina football”. The fellow asked, “Will this help me live longer”? “No, I’m afraid it won’t”, said the pastor, “but it will make the time you have left seem a lot longer”.
 
Q: What does a Carolina grad say to a Duke grad?
A: Yes Sir or No Sir.
 
 

Did you hear about the Tar Heel fan who was so upset that the Blue Devils beat North Carolina that he tried to commit suicide by jumping out of his basement window?

 
Q: What's the only sign of intelligent life in Chapel Hill?
A: Durham: 7 Miles
 
Q: How’s the best way to kill an obnoxious and drunk Carolina fan?
A: Slam the toilet seat on his head.
 
   
 
A Duke fan and a Carolina fan fought side-by-side for over a year during World War II but ended up being captured by German troops. The two were convicted of espionage and were sentenced to die by firing squad. Asked if they had any last requests, the Carolina fan said, "I want to hear the Carolina fight song just one more time". When the Duke fan was asked what he wanted, he stated "Please shoot me first".
 
The Carolina Basketball team was placed in a non-majors English class, because all were struggling and needed it to stay eligible. The professor asked the class, “Does anyone know what comes after a sentence”? All the players raised their hands, which impressed the professor. “OK, Mr. Ellington, what’s the answer”? The player stands up and shouts with pride, “the appeal”.
 

 
Did you hear about the University of North Carolina fan who locked his keys in his car? His family was trapped inside for hours.
 
The North Carolina Tar Heels have adopted a new honor system. Yes your Honor, No your Honor.
 

Carolina Tar Hawks

Roy Williams' proposed mascot change for UNC.

 
A Carolina fan got lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembered what her dad had once told her, “If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it”. Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, “Well, I'm done with the parking lot here at Wal-Mart, if you’d like, you can follow me over to K-Mart”.
 
A man is sitting on a park bench when another man approaches and sits down. They soon engage in conversation. Shortly after, the second man says, "So, I bet you're a Carolina fan, huh?". The first man enthusiastically says, "Why yes I am. How did you know? Was it my obvious intelligence? My wit? My good looks perhaps?". The second fellow says, "No. I noticed your class ring while you were picking your nose".
 

 

Q: Why isn’t Carolina linebacker Garrett White allowed to be in the Tar Heels' huddle anymore?

A: It's a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.

 
After one home game, a Rams Club member approached Tyler Hansbrough and handed him $300 and said, “Go buy yourself a new suit son! You’re going to need it when you stroll across that stage at next year’s NBA Draft”. Heeding the strangers advice, Hansbrough headed to a tailor he knew about in Chapel Hill. After taking the star players measurements, the tailor said, “For $300, all I can do for you is maybe a jacket”. Startled by the cost of a mere coat, Hansbrough said, “No thanks”, and left. Still wanting to get a suit, Hansbrough decided to make the seven-mile trek from Chapel Hill to Durham to meet with a tailor that he had also heard about. To Hansbrough’s surprise, the tailor in Durham said he could outfit him with a coat, a vest, two pair of pants, socks and tie for the $300. Surprised by the offer, Hansbrough questioned the tailor about the whole situation. He said, “The tailor in Chapel Hill wanted $300 for just a coat, but you’re able to make me a complete outfit, with extras to boot, for the same amount. How is that possible?” The tailor stood back and said, "Its simple son, you’re not as big in Durham as you are in Chapel Hill”.
 

What an intelligent fan base.

 
A Chapel Hill Newspaper has recently reported that Keenan Stadium will be replacing it's artificial turf with a natural covering because the Heels play better on "grass".
 
Chapel Hill News Report: Football spring practice in Chapel Hill was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach, Butch Davis, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.
 

 
You might be a Carolina fan if...
1. Your mother doesn’t remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her butt.
2. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words. “Trucking Institute”.
3. You’ve been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
4. You own more then two Tar Heel shirts with the sleeves cut off.
5. Your kids take a siphon hose to school for “Show and Tell".
 
One day, a housework-challenged husband decides to take a stab at laundry and wash his favorite sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he calls to his wife, “What setting on the washing machine do I use for my sweatshirt”? “It depends”, the wife replied. “What does it say on the shirt”? He yelled back, “University of North Carolina”.
 

Q: You’re trapped in a room with an angry grizzly bear, a hungry lion and a Carolina fan. You have a gun with two bullets in it. What should you do?

A: Shoot the Carolina fan… twice!

 

 
Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
A: Carolina’s defensive front four.
 

Q: What do you call a drug ring in Chapel Hill?

A: A huddle

 
 
Q: What's the best thing to ever come out of Chapel Hill?
A: Highway 15-501
 
Q: What does North Carolina football and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls!
 

 
Tywon Lawson was walking in downtown Durham last week, and saw a sign which read, “Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each and trousers $2.50 per pair”. Lawson says to himself, "Man, I could buy a whole lot of those, take them back to Chapel Hill and sell them for five times what I paid. I can make a fortune".  Lawson entered the store and approached the clerk, who said, "Can I help you?". Lawson says, "Yes Sir, give me 50 suits, 100 shirts and 50 pairs of trousers". The shop owner startled by the request, says "Excuse me". Lawson says again, "I want 50 suits, 100 shirts and 50 pairs of trousers". The owner of the shop says, "You're from Chapel Hill aren't you”? “Why, yes I am”, says a surprised Lawson. "How could you possibly know that”? The owner chuckles and then says, "It’s quite simple. This is a dry-cleaners, you idiot”.
 
Q: Why do Carolina athletes prefer not to drive Japanese cars?
A: They don't think they'll be able to understand what's said on the radio.
 

 
A young boy and his mother were in the cemetery visiting the grave of a loved one when they came upon a headstone that read, "Here lies a North Carolina football player and a honest man".  The boy then asked his mother, "Momma, why did they bury two men in the same grave?".
 

 
Two guys go hunting together one day, one a N.C. State fan and the other a Carolina fan. During the hunt, the Carolina fan collapses. The State fan checked for a pulse and found none. He checked for breathing... nothing. He got on his cell phone and dialed 9-1-1. When the operator answered, the State fan said, “I think my hunting partner is dead". The operator asked the guy to "calm down", and then advised him to make sure he is dead. There was a pause for a minute and then a gunshot. The State fan gets back on the phone and says, “now what”.
 
Q: How many North Carolina football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
 
They say that North Carolina football players like smart women? I guess opposites do attract.
 
Q: What do you get when you put seven North Carolina cheerleaders in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.
 

 
A guy went to a Durham Lincoln dealership and bought a new MKZ. He was testing everything as he pulled out of the parking lot and discovered that the radio didn’t work. Furious, he returned to the lot and demanded to see the sales manager. “When I buy a $50,000 car, I expect the dang radio to work”. The sales manager explained to him that the radio was voice controlled, and all he had to do was tell the radio what he wanted to hear. He got back into the car and said, "country music”, and old Willie Nelson started singing. "Rock and roll”, he shouted, and immediately Elvis started crooning. "Easy listening”, he remarked, and all at once it sounded like he was in an elevator. He was relaxed, driving up 15-501 back to Chapel Hill, listening to the smooth sounds of Kenny G. All of a sudden, two good ol’ boys in a pickup truck almost ran him off the road. "Stupid Idiot”, he screamed! The radio immediately blurted out, “Welcome to Carolina basketball with head coach Roy Williams”.
 
While on a morale building trip to Iraq, North Carolina head coach Roy Williams was walking through the desert when he came upon a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed it and out came a genie. The genie said to the coach, "I will grant you one wish." Williams replied, "I wish that we could put an end to this war immediately. The situation here is terrible, so I guess that's it, I wish that war would come to an immediate halt". The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish." "Well," Williams responds, "then can you right all the wrongs our athletic department has committed over the past 25 years?". The genie thinks for a moment, then says, "What was that first wish again?"
 
Q: How do you get a North Carolina graduate off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
 

 
Rasheed Wallace and Antawn Jamison were taking an important final exam. If they failed it, academic probation would be handed down and they wouldn’t be allowed to play in the Duke game the following week. They were both struggling to make a passing grade, and needed to get the last question right in order to pass. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________”. Wallace was completely stumped, so he tapped Jamison on the shoulder. "Antawn, what's the answer to the last question”? Antawn looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Rasheed and said, "Sheed, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm”. "Oh yeah, I remember now”, said Wallace. He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He suddenly stopped and tapped Antawn on the shoulder again. “Hey man, how do you spell farm”? “You really are an idiot Sheed. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O”.
 
Butch Davis, the North Carolina Tar Heel's football coach, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around when they came to a modest little house with a faded Tar Heels flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity," said God. "This is very special, not everyone gets a house up here." The coach felt special indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion that had a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Duke Blue Devils flag, and in every window featured a Duke logo. The coach looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was a good coach. I went to bowl games, sent a bunch of my players on to the pros, and I turned around the entire North Carolina football program." God said, "So, what's your question?" "Well," said the coach, "why does David Cutcliffe get a better house than me?" God responded, "That's not David Cutcliffe's house, it's mine."
 

 

The Tar Heels had a 12 and 5 season last year. 12 arrests and 5 convictions.

 
One foggy night, a Duke fan and a North Carolina fan were driving opposite directions on a road near Durham. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars. The North Carolina fan managed to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looked at his twisted car and shouted at the Duke fan, "Man, we're lucky to be alive!" Likewise said the Blue Devil fan who had exited his car uninjured. The North Carolina fan walks over to the Blue Devil fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals." The Blue Devil fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck." The Blue Devil fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Tar Heel fan, "I think this is another sign - we should toast to our newfound friendship." The Tar Heel fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Tar Heel fan hands it back to the Blue Devil fan and says, "Your turn!" The Blue Devil fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."
 
Q: How can you tell in a North Carolina fan has a girlfriend (or boyfriend)?
A: Look and see if there are tobacco juice stains on both sides of his\her pickup.
 

 
Q: What are the hardest three years of a Carolina football players life?
A: His freshman year.
 
Q: How do you keep a North Carolina football player out of your yard?
A: Put up a goalpost.
 
Q: What should you do if you find three University of North Carolina fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
 
Q: What's the difference between a North Carolina fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
 

 
Three students, one from Duke, the second from N.C. State and the third from U.N.C. were out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total”, says the Genie. The Carolina student says, "I want a shrine to Dean Smith erected in the heart of Chapel Hill. I want it to compare with the Taj Mahal in terms of size and beauty”. With a blink of the Genie's eye, the wish was granted. The N.C. State student was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around the entire city of Chapel Hill”. Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there suddenly appeared a huge wall around the entire town. It was about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounded the town. Nothing can get in or out. The Duke student then said, "Fill it with water."
 

SPECIAL GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCEMENT

The University of North Carolina in conjunction with the Orange County District Court has developed a plan that will allow season ticket holders the opportunity to attend the trials of their football players. Limited seating is available in the Orange County Courthouse so get those requests in early. Please, no wagering on the outcome of the trials. Alcoholic beverages are not allowed in Keenan Stadium or the Orange County Courthouse. Seat cushions are welcome, however, please refrain from bringing shakers (pom-poms) into the courtroom. People shouting "GO HEELS" during the trials will be removed by the bailiff.
 

 
One day in an elementary school in Chapel Hill, NC, a teacher asks her class if the North Carolina Tar Heels are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy. The teacher asks, "What's your favorite football team Jimmy?" Little Jimmy says, "The Duke Blue Devils". The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?" Little Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Blue Devil fan, my mom is a Blue Devil fan, I guess that makes me a Blue Devil fan." The teacher angered by his reply says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?" Little Jimmy says, "Well, I guess that would make me a North Carolina fan."
 
Q: What do you get when you cross a groundhog with the North Carolina Tar Heels?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.
 
Q: What does the average University of North Carolina football player get on his SAT?
A: Drool.
 
Q: What do you call three beautiful women in Chapel Hill?
A: Lost
 

 
It was graduation day at U.N.C., and the professors and the University President were handing out diplomas. The crowd started chanting, “Bubba, Bubba, Bubba”. The University President stepped to the microphone and asked the crowd, “Who’s Bubba?” One of the students stood and said, “Bubba is a guy who’s been at the school for twenty years but has failed to graduate”. One of the professors called Bubba up to the podium and told him if he can answer one question, he could graduate. Bubba was asked, “What is 4+4?”. Bubba replied, “8”. The crowd started booing and hissing. “Give him another chance, they shouted in unison, give him another chance”.
 
During a recent employee computer password audit at UNC, it was discovered that Roy Williams was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyDeweyLouisDonaldGoofyChapelHill". When asked about the strange password, Williams stated, "I was instructed to make my password at least eight characters long with at least one capital". Not only did Mr. Williams have to be instructed on what the password guidelines actually meant, he had to be informed that the capital of North Carolina is actually Raleigh.
 
Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?", to which the man answers "173". "That is wonderful", says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss". Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?", to which the lady answers, "144". "That is great!", responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss". Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?", to which the man answers, "51". Albert responds, "How 'bout them Heels?"
 

 
Q. What did the North Carolina graduate say to the Duke graduate?
A. "Would you like fries with that?"
 
Q: How many University of North Carolina freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
 
Q: What's the difference between the Tar Heels and Cheerios?
A: Cheerios usually end up in a bowl.
 
A fellow walks into a bar, orders a drink, and asks the waiter if he'd like to hear a good Carolina joke. "Listen buddy", he growled. "See those 2 big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Carolina football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at Carolina. That guy in the corner was Carolina’s all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in 3 sports at Carolina. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?". "Nah, guess not", the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it 5 times".
 
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store”. “But I'm a Carolina graduate”, the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom.... I'll show you how."
 

 
Did you hear about the fire at the University of North Carolina's football dorm? It's reported that dozens of books were destroyed and many of them hadn't even been colored yet.
 
The University of North Carolina is changing the motto of the athletics department. They’re now using the catchy phrase, “You paroll’em, we enroll’em”
 
Q: How does the Carolina football team spend the first week of training camp?
A: Studying the Miranda Rights
 
Q: What do Tornados and North Carolina fans have in common?
A: Sooner or later, they'll both end up in a trailer park.
 
I hear Carolina is changing their moniker from Tar Heels to the Possums. It must be because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
 
Q: How many UNC grads work for the Psychic Network?
A: None. They can't talk about the future... They only talk about the past.
 

 
 
 
 

University of North Carolina Entrance Exam for Football Players

 

Time Limit: One Month

 
1. What language is spoken in France?
 
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions-OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
 
3. What would you ask William Shakespeare to help you with?
          (a) build a bridge  (b) sail the ocean  (c) lead an army  (d) WRITE A PLAY
 
4. What religion is the Pope?
          (a) Jewish  (b) Catholic  (c) Hindu  (d) Polish  (e) Agnostic (check only one)
 
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
 
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
          (a) Bed time  (b) 5:00  (c) am or pm?  (d) Happy hour
 
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
 
8. What are people in America's far north called?
          (a) Westerners  (b) Southerners  (c) Northerners  (d) foreigners
 
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
 
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
 
11. Where does rain come from?
          (a) Macy's  (b) a 7-11  (c) Canada  (d) the sky  (e) Prince
 
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
          (a) yes  (b) no  (c) He wasn't my relative
 
13. What are coat hangers used for?
 
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
 
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium-OR- Just spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS
 
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
 
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
          (a) China  (b) Florida  (c) Canada  (d) France
 
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
 
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
 
20. The University of North Carolina tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
          (a) B.C.  (b) A.D.  (c) still waiting
 

BONUS QUESTIONS

(Answer correctly and you qualify, regardless of the results of the previous 20 questions)

 
BONUS: Civil rights leader, Dr. Martin Luther King, fought for:
          (a) Women's right to vote  (b) Civil Rights  (c) George Foreman
 

*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify

 
 

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